Sunday, 8 February 2015

'Special' Bipeds

'It's my birthday, so I can bug the rest of the world because I'm soooooo special'.
'It's our wedding party, and we can be as loud as we want. Yes, in the building where we work because we're a couple of McScrooge, and we didn't want to rent a place with proper sound insulation'.

I loathe bipeds that think their special occasion (or the phase of the moon, or their being such gifts to mankind) allows them to ignore the Law, and to annoy the rest of the world.
That amount of selfishness is making my blood boil.

Guess what? The catering wankers downstairs (I'd rather swallow hot coal than go eat there) are celebrating two candidates for the next divorce (that's what we call newly-weds in my family).
I was watching telly, but I had to switch to listening music with headphones on my computer. I still have a bit of work to do (thanks to the time difference with the US).
If they're still at it when I want to head to bed, it's going to be proper Hell (capital h, and with all the trimmings).
Even if I can go to bed in relative quiet, I'm planning another trip to my building's caretaker office to complain. If these arrogant bipeds need to be reminded that they're not alone, and there are laws to make sure plonkers don't behave the way they did in caves.
Bloody waste of oxygen, the whole lot! I hope the two idiots downstairs aren't planning to breed.




PS: It's funny... I've noticed that I swear when I'm feeling low or I'm angry.
Sorry about the profanities in this post!

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Writing Comedy (or Trying to)

In my writing career, I've been known to write tragic scenes so well that some of my readers cried.
That started with a story I wrote in order to exorcize the trauma caused by my [h]ex. I cried as I typed it, and it was so realistic that a few readers demanded a 'Tissue Alert' the next time I created something of the same kind.
I know I can move people.
I'm not going to belittle that gift.

[Short pause]

I'd LOVE to make my readers laugh.
I'd be delighted if I were able to write a comedy!!
Take my series of novels, Muff&Sherly. My initial plot was to have two characters, totally new to private investigation, who'd be sooo clumsy that the woman training them would always be the one finding the culprit(s), solving the crime, wrapping the case... and the plot bunnies decided to come alive.
Muff and Sherly have discovered things in their past that can help them be reasonably good PIs.
As well, there was a twist in the first story that turned the planned silliness into a potential tragedy.
In the second story, a sub-plot grew to cosmic proportion - and made me soak my keyboard when I typed it.

As I'm thinking about a possible plot for a comedy (à la Feydeau), I've realized where my writing problem is.
As a reader for several publishers and various companies that need me to assess if the stories I'm given to read are any good, I've been forced to take all the story cogs apart and make sure the thing works (from checking that a character isn't making soup with three hands - one on the pan, one adding mushrooms, and the third one holding a spoon - to making sure that there are no spaceships seen anywhere during the American Civil War - if we're dealing with a historical novel, not a Sci-Fi one).
Basically, my work has been invading my poor head, and I can't help trying to be logical and checking for unplausible elements in a story.
But... comedy relies on absurdity, improbable situations, and general nuttiness.
If I want to write comedy, I'll have to train myself to ignore my (probably somehow DNA-imprinted) urges to write tidy, logical, possible things.

Gosh.
I hope I can leave reality in a plot, and I can locate my inner nutcase and she gives me a good, funny, twisted, demented plot for a comedy.
Dear Thalia, please come visit my desk. I'll bake you cookies.

DIY Shopping When One Is XX

I've got some very good DIY blood, and I've been trained to do many things in a house or a flat since I was a very, very little girl. In fact, the one thing that can stop me is when I don't have enough muscles to unscrew something (that reminds me of my first issue with my lawnmower - I'd still like to have a word with the machine that screwed the spark plug on!).
Mother is great with anything DIY-related (in fact, my uncles, her brothers, never were as good as she is), and she's taught me a lot.
She learnt from her own dad, but from observing him because he was a pathetic teacher and his communication skills were so-so.

Now, let's turn to shopping for anything DIY-related.
A few 'centuries' ago, Mother had taken to going shopping with my favourite uncle (a delightful man who could bend a nail with just one try, and who'd end up at the A&E in the next five minutes with the hammer lodged in his left foot); he was a lovely decoy when Mother needed tips from men working in DIY stores, men who would ignore her if she were alone, but who would provide an answer to my uncle - whilst Mother listened and got the tip she needed.
Later, men working in DIY stores started getting out of their caves, and they started answering Mother.
That was her experience, even though she's quite good, and she knows many things.

What's happening to me, shopping for DIY stuff in 2015?
It's rather simple.
You shan't be surprised to read that I do my homework before I go shopping. If I don't know what I need to buy, I ask Mother (or the Internet), I locate the item or items I need at the store where I'll go, and I go there with a sticky with the exact names and references.
In the last three huge DIY stores where I went, the men who worked there were lost, and they gave me approximative help to locate what I needed. Hell! These blokes work in these stores (all right, they're big, but they're not the size of New York City!!), and some of them were clueless in the department where they work.
Me: I'm looking for insulating material to glue on the wall before I wallpaper the room.
The bloke in the paint/wallpaper section: Isolating material pipes are on the ground floor.
Me: That's not what I asked.
I ended up locating the material I knew they had in store by walking around aisle by aisle.
I'll spare you the trek to find a specific glue I needed for something else (the bloke I asked sent me to the "glue" aisle, and from there... I was on my own).
Basically, the men working in DIY stores do not ignore me, but they very seldom know what I need them to tell me.

The other bit of fun in DIY stores when you're a woman shopping there is the male customers who sometimes try to help you. Perhaps I've been massively unlucky, but there's not a single one of these men who told me something I didn't already know or who were 1000% wrong in what they were telling me.
Up to now, my too good education kicked in, and I nodded politely and escaped as quickly as possible (thinking that they're a bit patronizing and a whole lot wrong).
From now on, good education be damned, I'll set them straight - after all, I'm a teacher, too, and most of them need accurate DIY knowledge (and they need to be taught that my being XX doesn't mean that I'm DIY-clueless).

Friday, 30 January 2015

Fever 'Fun'

I'm often a weird bunny when it comes to fever.
It started when I was a toddler and I had such high fever that I hallucinated the baby Jesus spinning in the manger in my family's Christmas crib.
Later, I remember imagining that a statue of Julius Caesar was in my bedroom, surrounded by a farandole of black cats.
Once, I was shopping with Mother, and I started talking in... Latin.

Things aren't always that entertaining when I have fever, but they can be.
A couple of days ago, as the defrosting of my nerve VII was beginning to generate some odd bout of fever, I went shopping in the suburbs. I hadn't been there in years, and the last time I went there, I'd taken another line that's fully underground.
This time, the penultimate station is above ground, and the train goes above the river. My train was a very modern new model, and the skyscrapers around at night made it look like a live scene from a Sci-Fi film. My surprise, the strange lights around, the exotic look of the scene (thanks to the spot of fever) are definitely going to be recycled in a plot somewhere.

Oddly, I find myself wishing to watch 2046 again. That might be the fever making me remember that film wrong.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

I'm Not a Trout

And by that I mean that when I tell "A" and "B" that the file I got from "C" is incomplete, and I get a message from "C" three hours later telling me that I can contact him if there's any kind of issue with his file... I'm not buying the 'Oh, my! What a coincidence!' thingy.
"C" was warned by his friends, and he's attempting some damage control in a discreet way.
Too bad, but:
1 - I wasn't born two moons ago
2 - I can spot a lousy strategy miles away
3 - what had to be done has been on the wall chart for three months.

I'd like it better if people were telling me 'I messed up. I'm terribly sorry. What can I do?'... but I look nice and they think I'm as inoffensive as a trout. They need glasses, need to pay attention, or didn't spot that the water's tricky, coz they haven't spotted the teeth.
I'm not a trout.

Get a Life, Pay Attention & Use More Brain Cells

About last week's events in France, this post's going to be in three growls parts:
- against the brainwashed plonkers who murdered innocent people
- against the idiots who are somehow blaming the victims (and silly bipeds in general)
- against the sheeple who are ready to surrender to terror 'coz'

The bonus shall be about all the awesome people who are reacting beautifully.

So, here we go:

Point 1:
If you're the "mastermind", chief, plonker-in-command behind any "terror" (read: cowardly) act, there are two possibilities:
A) You're a warranted nutcase smoking the bad lawn, and then you're a hopeless creature that will be useful only in fertilizer form (the sooner, the better).
B) You're a twisted plonker who brainwashes people in order to control them and/or make money from their work and/or death. You deserve to rot slowly. Full stop.
[I can't remember if I've stated it anywhere in this blog before, but I don't believe in the death penalty. Since I don't believe in Heaven or whatever, I view death as the easy way out. Despicable bipeds deserve to live a very long life - working from oubliettes in order to compensate their victims.]

It's quite easy, Cupcake...
You're allowed to be shocked, angry, sad, annoyed, but no one died and made you king (or queen), and you've got no right to kill anyone because your "deep" belief that the Supreme Being has been insulted makes you think that you can grab a weapon and start shooting people.
If you want to defend your Supreme Being (you know, the one who, because you think He/She/It is a Supreme Being doesn't need you, the human gnat on Earth, to defend Him/Her/It because He/She/It is a SUPREME BEING, and if you believe that He/She/It created everything, then you're not needed to avenge Him/Her/It - incidentally, if you do hear His/Her/Its voice or voices, phone Bedlam, you need medical help), write a poem, start a petition against the person or persons who offended you (telling him/her/them that they're idiots - or be inventive, but always polite), paint a painting, draw a drawing, sue someone, BUT DO NOT RESORT TO VIOLENCE.

The foot soldiers of terrorism need to be educated. with more brain cells being active, you quickly realize that killing people makes you leave humanity.
The plonkers from point 1B who are using children to blow up people are genitalia-lacking clots.

Basically, it's simple: don't kill people because they say (draw, sculpt, etc...) something that you don't like. You tell them that you disagree, you mock them, you write theses against them, or... *fake gasp* you ignore them because they're not worth your time.

If your so-called faith is shaken by people with a different belief, first you're thin-skinned and you're not fit for survival (and you need to get out of your cave more often), and then your "faith" isn't that deep. Actual, deep faith is never shaken by anything from "outside" (that's where I was until I stopped being afraid, and I apostatised; I know what I'm talking about, and I can still give you lessons about faith).
If you're bothered by anything, work to prove that you're better than that.
As well... Get. A. Life. You're not helping by killing your brothers; you're not helping your so-called cause, and you're not even the real McCoy, or you wouldn't be killing people (this is not 2015 BC, when cults started wars and genocide; get on with the script).
Plant a field, build something,... Do not kill.

I watched again To Have and Have Not recently, and the assorted plonkers need to realize that there will always be people to stand up to them. Always.
Paul de Bursac: You don't think much of me, Captain Morgan. You're wondering why they have chosen me for this mission. I wonder too. As you know, I am not a brave man. On the contrary, I'm always frightened. I wish I could borrow your nature for a while, Captain. When you meet danger, you never think of anything except how you will circumvent it. The word "failure" does not even exist for you. While I, I think always, suppose I fail and that I am frightened.
Harry Morgan: Yeah, I can easily see how it wouldn't take much courage to get a notorious patriot off Devils' Island. But uh, but just for professional reasons, I'd like to know how you're going to do it.
Paul de Bursac: We will find a way. It might fail, and if it does and I'm, I'm still alive, I will try to pass on my information, my mission, to someone else, perhaps to a better man who does not fail. Because there is always someone else. That is the mistake the Germans always make with people they try to destroy. There will be always someone else.

On to Point 2:
There are chums of the plonkers who will always be ready to say that the killing cowards did what needed to be done - back to "Get. A. Life." (and a brain).

There are idiots who will say or write that 'Yes, it's a tragedy, but [mind my Rule #11] the victims brought it upon themselves (to be killed/raped/maimed/WHATEVER) because they'd offended their attackers, or where at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Soldiers have one word for that: chickenshit (that's "poppycock" in civilian parlance).
Nothing ever justifies killing people because they said something, drew something that you didn't like or were doing something that you don't approve of.
If you start saying 'It was wrong, but (...)', you stand by the side of the culprits, and that's because you're:
A) stupid
B) playing ostrich and refusing to say loud and clear that the culprits had no right to do whatever they did.
C) brainwashed and can't make the difference between freedom (of speech, movement or anything) and safeguards put in place by society*.

*: allow me to add something here. Some people are saying that there are limits to free speech. Yes! One doesn't yell 'Fire!' in a theatre (if you do and you get trampled to death, that's instant karma), but if you do not show respect to Zeus or Thor (and you make fun of their followers), it may be unfunny or bad taste, but that's never a reason to be killed.
Some will say that there are different laws all around the globe. Indeed, but it doesn't mean that all these laws are fair: in some countries, I'd legally need a male guardian to be allowed to breathe - that's slavery, and I'll fight against it because I may not be a citizen of those countries, but this is my planet, and I want all my sisters and brothers to be free, educated, and healthy (and happy if possible). Our species has been messing things up for too many centuries; time to grow up, and get working.
The Gods can surely take care of themselves, and arrogant bipeds shouldn't massacre in their names (and that's when I wish that Zeus or Thor were real and they'd blast to oblivion the arrogant bipeds).

Then there are other people who are saying 'What happened in ABC is a tragedy, but let's not forget what's happening in DEF, or GHI, or XYZ!'.
It's not a competition, Cupcake.
Horror and intolerance must be fought everywhere (and that's why learning and teaching History is so important).
I remember the soldiers who were frozen in the trenches in 1914-1918, I remember the victims of Holodomor, I weep for the citizens of North Korea, I want our Nigerian little sisters to go back to their homes and their families, I still miss the Bamiyan Buddhas, and I'll laugh at any plonker telling me that I cannot make fun of him because he believes in the Tooth Fairy (he's welcome to write me a sonnet ridiculing me - or a haiku if a sonnet's too complicated for his three brain cells).
I probably read too many newspapers, and I remember too much History, but that's because I want to be a better citizen of the world.
Of course, we can't fight everywhere at once but, one step at a time, all evil, intolerance, and obscurantism must be fought - or human should no longer be a synonym for kind.


And Point 3:

Some will say that when Benjamin Franklin wrote “Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety” he meant something else (and boy! Can they write convoluted texts that are mostly cryptic and quite beside the point but that serves their agenda).
Whatever Mr Franklin meant at the time, the modern sentiment found in these words is accurate today.
We can see how the smokescreen of Safety can be sold to brainwashed sheeple (American TSA anyone? You know, the ones who illegally irradiate you and pat you down without being police officers - that's illegal, too).
I got it just this afternoon when I objected to my handbag being "checked" (just looking, no touching); I said it was useless because the charming boy who checked it saw only a part of it, and today I was working in a place where all sorts of chemicals are stored (bad guys don't have to bring anything in, they can shop inside - do read Daniel Pennac's Au bonheur des ogres). A colleague then told me that 'it had to be done for safety'.
Honestly, if people paid attention, we wouldn't need that theatre to make sheeple feel safer (the real bad guys have already planned something else, it's the average nutcases that we need to spot - and one cannot do that whilst glued to a mobile screen... just saying).
I'll keep growling, but I'll show my bag at work. Any store asking me that can dream on (especially one like in Au bonheur des ogres).
If we allow politicos to tell us what we must allow to be done to us, allegedly for our own protection, that's just like my needing a male guardian in some countries. Sorry, I'll follow the laws that already exist, but I'll use my lovely brain, my knowledge and a healthy dose of common sense, and if a politico asks me to give him my home keys, my bank account details, and all my Internet passwords, I'll tell "it" to go fry somewhere else.
I bet some so-called terrorists are dying with laughter when they see gutless responses, empty threats, and general inaction - and when they see countries make to quake in their collective boots for nothing (back to TSA: they've never caught any bad guy, but some of their people have committed crimes, but hey! That's for your own good).

Safety, yes, but not in a stupid and scared way - or the bad guys have won (and they must not).

Promised bonus:
There can be a lot of positive energy in the face of most horrific tragedies. If we actually work (not just say things), we could do so much good.
We could improve education, equality, opportunities.
If we treat one another like cousins (even if we disagree sometimes, like in all families), humanity could have a bright future.
If kindness cannot overcome pettiness, stupidity and sheer evil, there's no point in being here (I bet the Easter Bunny and Ma'at would agree with me).

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Fly, Vinegar, & My Rule #2

Just a friendly tip for lazy, arrogant bipeds: if you need me to give you something (that you badly need, and that you can exclusively get from me), you ask nicely, and you try to make it look as if you did your best whilst you failed miserably (and I'm being kind!).
The thing is, if you keep bugging me after I said "No, I won't give it to you just because you're asking!", if you treat me as if I were an annoying and despicable gnat, if you keep pretending that just showing up (but never doing your job) should be enough for you to get some reward... Let's face it, that won't work too well with me.

Oh, and if you yell at me that (that happened for real, and I'm still growling hours later) I'm, I quote, a 'cunt':
a - I'll report you to our bosses because I'm not your doormat
b- I'll get a witch to curse you (and I'm not even joking)
c - you'll be dead to me from now on

I'm not a fly that's caught with vinegar, respect is never a one-way street, and I wasn't raised in a barn.

I just hope this is not a taste of the year or I'll hibernate throughout 2015!!

Monday, 5 January 2015

Modern Laziness

Of course, things are always changing (and that cannot be helped - I know).
That, however, doesn't mean that I have to be nice and civil when people are too lazy. 
I mean... you open your e-mail client to send a message, and then... you type your entire message in the subject line.
I beg your pardon, but... since the new e-mail window is open, why not actually type something in the subject line and in the e-mail window itself? Or is that too tiring for your three brain cells?
Well... My e-mail client will think that your lazy message with its empty body is some spam, and even if I catch it, I shall ignore it. If you cannot be bothered to type an actual e-mail message, I shan't acknowledge it.
Am I being old-fashioned? Probably. Then again, why should I be the one to follow your lead when I find it annoying, lazy, and impolite?
Sorry, Cabbage, do better next time; "dumbing down" never made it to my vocabulary. Oops.

PS: No one died and made you king, and you're my equal, not my boss. Land, Cupcake...

Sunday, 4 January 2015

And It Was 2015...

Hello, my sweet (mostly silent) adorable bunnies!

May you all have a Happy, Merry, Fantabulastounding, Quiet, & Lovely 2015!

I've got some hope for this year... May I not be proven wrong come 2016...

Love,
Dru

PS: Talk to me? I do not bite.