Who Wrote THAT?!!! [NCIS s11e23]

I tend to watch a lot of telly, and I get to read scripts. Real scripts that are sent to studios.

When dealing with non-pros or beginners, I can be lenient, but when people who are being paid (a lot!) by studios write stupid things, I (guess what?) growl (yea... sorry about that!).

One friend, who's in the industry, told me to not expect too much from telly as they don't really care about consistency - or even care about the audience in some cases!

If Mother kindly invited me to not yell at the telly when a CSI doesn't put gloves on to handle a fresh piece of evidence, I've decided to start sharing my frustrations with you [Time to click back if you want to save yourselves and avoid my growling].

The first series to make me growl here shall be NCIS. Series 11, episode 23 is a festival of horrors in my book.

I used to really like this series, but when an important part of the "finale cliffhanger" was Dr Mallard having a heart attack (S09E24), I started being disappointed.

So MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT FROM HERE ON:

First, I don't know who in that team of writers lost a bet and has to start episodes with a flashback, but that's getting old. That was good fun a few years ago, but as a bait for viewers to stay and keep watching, that could make me screen at the speed of light. Find something else!

Then, we get to hear that DiNozzo's accused of killing a man. My problem? The channel's supposed to be an American one (the fictional ZNN used in NCIS), but the announcer's got a slight French accent (so that we understand that the action's taking place in France. Mais oui!). Would it be too much to have pseudo-news in French with subtitles? Apparently yes (and the entire episode's built that way!).

As well, food truck are beginning to be fashionable in France, but the bell is a figment of the writer's imagination - I get it, it's to bring the focus on the potential customer who's there to show DiNozzo that he's got to hurry and run away.

Two more things:

- A TV set in a food truck and on an American channel? Not impossible, but that's a cheap trick to get the "job" done. A radio would be more authentic, and that would require subtitles; that would be a change, but I don't think the NCIS fans would be shocked (here, I imagine my friend patting my shoulder and whispering that script writers don't really care about authenticity).

- The (allegedly French) customer says: ‘Hello! Excusez-moi...’ Not entirely impossible either, but replacing "hello" with "bonjour" wouldn't hurt - and it's not quantum physics to understand, is it?

All along the series, we've established that Dr Ducky Mallard is basically a genius. He's been using complicated phones for series after series, and all of a sudden, he can’t turn the brightness up? Clumsy thingy #1

Then, of all characters, he's the one saying (good thing I've got a great memory for dialogues - that used to drive my [h]ex nuts when I could repeat conversations verbatim months or years after they took place!):‘The French do see arrogance as a virtue, so you’ll be welcome there; but remember, in France, only tip 6%.’

Pardon my French, but...

Whisky.

Tango.

Foxtrot.

What kind of cultural cliché is that? Sorry, boys, but "ze french" don't see arrogance as a virtue. That's bullshit.

Oh, and if you want to tip, you can give whatever you want, from 1 cent to hundreds of Euros; there are no specific customs or fixed percentage. In fact, there's that lil' thing called "service included", which is added to all bills in cafés and restaurants and that guarantees that the staff aren't exploited and don't have to rely on the generosity of patrons in order to survive with decent wages. I know... how... socialist! (Yep, I turned the Sarc font on, boys!)

I did my homework, and it seems that Dinozzo can actually Apparate: he goes to the airport, then we see him having breakfast in Marseille, and when he phones McGee, the US team is still at the crime scene.

The fastest Washington-Marseille flight is 11h 30min (with one stop in London), but one has to add time to go through security and customs, plus the time to leave the airport once in Marseilles and actually have breakfast, and that's fifteen hours at best! So the general timing for this scene is off: Gibbs & Co should be excavating the tank by then.

Oh!

But we'd be missing on McGee being sent into the tank alongside Bishop then. I get it... We need to keep making fun of Probie#1. All right. My bad.

How old are these writers? Does anybody know???

I've read the real NCIS status, but in spite of it, DiNozzo would still need a special permit to carry a gun in France. Does he have the proper paperwork to carry a gun, or is this a cowboy spoof set in contemporary (imaginary!) Europe?

As well, when he arrives at NCIS Marseilles, those coppers have an astounding timing; oh, and threaten the guy with the pastry box, you won’t look ridiculous one bit. [I imagine my friend's chuckling and shaking her head now, but still patting my shoulder]

And here's Clumsy thingy #2: How did the tank get in the NCIS garage? The way Gibbs’s boat got out of his basement? Would it be too much to add one sentence to explain things? As in: 'Tony, don't forget the paperwork about your gun.' and 'The truck just managed to get the tank in. Close one, Gibbs. One inch bigger, and we'd be working outside.'

Thanks for the cliché about the lovely accent when French people speak English, guys. Instead of having people speaking like clichés, French actors who speak like natives could be hired (you've got loads of those in LA) - or Americans who speak French like natives, I don't care; and then the writers could opt to add something like: 

DiNozzo: Your English’s pretty good.

Any of the French coppers: Thank you! I’ve always been watching a lot of American series, so… you know…

About wardrobe after the French coppers arrive, I'm not a specialist, but I'm not sure the uniforms are accurate. The one thing I'm sure of (after watching, you know, documentaries on the topic) is that the Forensic unit does not work when DS, DI and DCI are present (that'd compromise the evidence). Clumsy thingy #3

Even though the female inspector is dirty, it doesn't add much to the plot to have her flirting at a crime scene (but that’s probably what a French woman would do according to the writers!), but then you've got DiNozzo, who would hit on anyone anytime, telling her that it's bad form. How patronizing can one get???

Logically, there's no reason to check DiNozzo's gun: he was either on a plane or still at the airport when his colleagues were killed. The only reason to have it checked is to have him framed a few scenes later, and as such, that's Clumsy thingy #4.

When Gibbs and Vance say that once DiNozzo locates Amanda, it'll be "Straight to the airport and home", erm.... No. She’s a witness in an investigation, and she'd have to give a statement - at the very least.

When DiNozzo and Amanda run to the square near the food truck, what's the background music? Accordion, of course! Now, I find myself wondering if the writers lost a bet with the producers and they had to add as many clichés and stereotypes as possible.

Next, the sexist cliché: the girl destroys the phone because she’s that stupid (and because DiNozzo has to lecture her on being that stupid). Clumsy thingy #5

Once they know a dirty cop's after them, DiNozzo decides to go to another NCIS bureau, because the American Consulate in Marseilles isn't good enough - or even the Consular Agency in Nice (that's 2h 35min by direct train). Oh, yes, you need them on a coach, and you need them to be stopped by Amanda without having her confiding in the guy who's protecting her from the bad guys. Swell.

The next morning, when they're in the restaurant, the waitress/owner doesn’t even say a word. Is it just to pay the actress less or because all French people are rude?? Most probably the latter since she huffs when Tony thanks her for bringing their breakfast plates. 

I'm almost tempted to give the writers one bonus point for having a yellow car, but I doubt they know Cabin Pressure, and anyway, they picked that model to have DiNozzo play pretzel. That's all.

[Anyway... Yellow car!!]
Speaking of cars, most French plates have been changed, and the kind on the dirty copper's car, though not impossible, is last year's variety.

In the end, we've got DiNozzo saying that they probably need to have some “Admiral/Daughter stuff” to deal with. Not "Father/Daughter" or "Admiral/Spy". No... "Admiral/Daughter" coz it's not really important that she’s been an efficient spy for years.

In how many languages can these people spell "sexism"?

Right, and now for my grand finale, the one thing that I'd predicted when the Palmers didn't get to adopt the baby that they were supposed to welcome into their lives: Mrs Palmer's got a "bun in the oven".

What a bloody way to announce that, and what an idiotic plot twist! Do you know how I read all that? The young mother who was to give them her baby decided to keep it because that's the proper way (why even bring up adoption if they weren't to go through with that particular plot? From my side of the pond, this reeks of pseudo-morality: a baby only belongs with its biological parents), and now the Palmers are going to have their own lil' bundle of joy with their own DNA.

That storyline was doing so much to promote adoption, but now we've got the idea that a baby should stay with its parents, and that the best way is to make one's own child. 

Yea, because orphanages and foster kids are such a thing of the past. [Episode 24 update: the Palmers are still adopting, too, but that doesn't change the fact that that twist in episode 23 was really bad]

That part (and Ducky's line about arrogance) really made my blood boil.

I've tried to find who the writing culprits were, but I had no luck.

I've read fan-fictions that were less clumsy and far-fetched and disappointing!

PS: I bet you see why Mother told me to shut up when we watch telly together.