Badvert. Bad Apple

It's no wonder that the comments are turned off on YouTube: I've rarely seen such an appalling ad.

Whoever came up with that idea should be spanked till kingdom come - as well as whoever at Apple thought this would make a good ad for their new gadget.

Stupid destruction is horrendous.

What plonkers.

 

Publicitaire psychopathe ?

Cette publicité a pour titre Un père Noël pas comme les autres...

Dès la première fois que je l'ai vue, je me suis demandée si le gars qui avait pondu ça avait des problèmes psychiatriques. Quel genre de malade concocte une pub où un père Noël se paye la tronche de deux enfants à juste quelques jours de Noël ???

Dans un élan charitable, je me suis dit que la pub passait seulement après le coucher des mômes, mais non ! Même pas ! 

Comme si cette fichue planète n'était pas assez dure, les rêves des gamins passent à la trappe - et si ça fait vendre des forfaits...

J'entends déjà les « Mais c’est de l’humour ! ». Curieux, je ne trouve pas ça drôle.

Quelle bande de baltringues !

Et Joyeux Noël !

Comment m'écorcher les oreilles

Certaines publicités peuvent être vraiment très bonnes.

Certaines publicités peuvent être très, très mauvaises.

Celle-ci m'énerve à cause de la prononciation pourrave du nom de la marque (parce que le français moyen ne pourrait pas comprendre qu'une marque anglo-saxonne a une prononciation spéciale ???).

Bon, d'un côté, ça assure que j'ai encore du boulot, mais sword, ça se dit /sɔːd/, pas /swɔːd/. C'est pas de la physique quantique non plus...

Autrement, elle est mignonne cette pub.

Whisky, Tango, Foxtrot, Twitter!

A few days ago, I opened my Twitter Home, and instead of being greeted by a lovely photo of Vincent van Gogh's Long Grass with Butterflies, I got blinding white.

Instinctively, I asked a search engine what was going on, and I discovered that Twitter has decided that everybody should have white backgrounds (and some people suppose that's to pave the way for full-page ads).

First, I *am* a creature of habit, and once I've customized something I don't change it often - if at all.

Then, I've been working for years on computers, and back when Microthingy allowed us (with no additional encoding fuss!!!) to customize all the colours on our screens, I'd tested all colours and hues. Though I positively hate that colour, I must say that the best, most soothing choice if you're going to spend hours reading stuff on a screen is pastel pink.

White? Best and quickest way to kill your eyes and get headaches.

So since Twitter started smoking the lawn, each time I want to check my timeline, I hop by "Settings" first, and I (fucking momentarily) bring back my background image... because I like it, and because I don't think the Twitter guys would finance my glasses.

It's bloody annoying to have to change something that I want on my account, but as long as I can do it, I will.

If the collective bunch of arrogant plonkers decide to fully take the option away, I'll log off for good.

I've already seen a few sheeple say, 'But it's free, and they can do what they want with their site.'.

Yea.... And this growling Empress of Mars says that she likes customization more than anything, and Twitter stock may be disappointing to some, but the whole thingy is quite valuable to even more people. They're not providing us with timelines for free; we're having fun, and they're making money.

Big companies have fallen before, because they thought they knew what their audience wanted, and when people complained, they didn't listen.

Guys! You need to pay attention and not think someone died and made you kings.

I would miss Twitter, but I love my eyes a lot more.

Marketing Tips for Any Company

As a patron, allow me to give you some tips...

1 - In spite of what some strange study says (all right, it was supposed to be about sales in luxury stores, but I can think of one big department store where I live where the employees are taking this philosophy a step too far!), I want you to be nice. Perhaps some masochist answered a poll and declared that being treated like crap made them spend more money, but if you look at me as if I had the Plague, smelled like rotten eggs, and had just killed your favourite puppy because you work in that place, and you're sooooooooooooo important...

            a – I won’t buy anything from you

            b – I’ll never come back

          c – I’ll tell everybody (even complete strangers on the street) that you’re nasty people, and you’re to be avoided like the plonkers you are

2 - If I tell you that there's something I need, it's not your place to look down at me and patronize me by saying "We know better" / "We know what you need".

You're not a seer; you're not perfect, and if I tell you that I want "this" or "that"... Guess what? I do want "this" or "that".

If you don't listen to me, I'll go find someone else who'll give me what I want because, Cupcake, there will be another company ready to do exactly what I want.

3 - When you pay a company to launch an ad/commercial campaign to promote whatever you sell, ask a handful of real people what they think of the ads or the commercials.

I'll speak for myself, but if the ad or the commercial is sexist, racist, or just plain idiotic and/or patronizing, I'll growl, and I'll go see another company.

Now... think (if you can, that is). You should be charmers, not plonkers (see "Issue #1").

4 - You do not have to offer me any kind of discount (or anything), but I just bet that there are studies that prove that rewarding loyalty is a good thing for any company.
Whether it's a loyalty/rewards/points/advantage/whatever card or just giving away tiny free samples or a bookmark or a postcard, it can be a good thing for you to consider the option. Everybody likes unexpected gifts, and if so many companies are doing it, it has to mean that they've computed that it was a good call to do so.
Make your clients feel special (with tiny things). In spite of the study mentioned with Issue #1, most people like to be treated nicely, and a smile, a good service, quality products, and a reward for loyalty (or the promise of a discount for coming back) are all in your interest.
Make money by all means (that's your business), but don't be greedy. If you're greedy, you'll quickly forget that your patrons can go somewhere else, and you'll fail.

5 -  Last massive issue for today: Shipping&Handling.
Today, "handling" per se disappears in the cost of whatever we're buying.
Remains the issue of shipping.
Of course I've read articles about people who order something at 11pm and expect it to be delivered the next day before 10am - and they're ready to pay for that. Fine. Good for them.
Whilst I can understand the need, and I do approve it, you need to understand that some people do not care about slow delivery.
As well, international slow delivery should be an option. I mean, if I'm not ordering a pot of fresh butter, I don't care if what I ordered takes a month to reach me as long as shipping doesn't feel like a highway robbery.
The issue is all over the globe.
Let me give you two examples:
* I tried to order a packet of tea from an American company (I know, I know... Don't ask!). Packet price? About $10. Shipping in the US? About $4. Shipping to Europe? Over $40 because the only option was to have it airmailed. I didn't order it. I'll go buy a different tea here in town...
* I wanted to buy a Japanese book (I love the story, and I know it'd be a way to boost my reading skills: motivation by passion/addiction). Price of the book? Not even ¥600 (that's £3!). Compulsory airmail shipping? About ¥2000 (that's £11). I haven't bought the book.
I bet I'm not the only one not buying something when I see how expensive "shipping" is going to be.
Basically have the Apparition/Beaming delivery option (1), Standard delivery (2), and Snail-slow delivery (3). Then, you're sure to please everybody.
Every once in a while, for whatever reason (your anniversary, or the client's birthday), offer free shipping on one delivery. Not everyone's going to be tempted, but some people will indulge if there's no shipping.

6 - And then... Whatever you're selling me, remember that you must beg me to "Opt in" if you want me on a mailing list, or anything. I shouldn't have to write to you in order to "Opt out". "Yes, bug me, and sell my details to your friends" should never be the option by default.
If I have to tell you to leave me alone, the next letter shall be to send you packing.

There.
You have it.
Now, it's up to you to listen to me, but never forget that the competition is right next door, and nothing's keeping me from going to do business with them.
You're responsible for your marketing strategy...

Yahoo!! (Bad Neo, Bad Marketing, Erratic Customer Care, and How to Create an Account WITHOUT a Mobile)

All right, I'm a tad afraid to jinx things for others, who may need a way around Yahelldemort's latest act of utter silliness, but it may work for a few (or they won't even bother to change things, which is entirely possible).

It all started when I hopped by a Yahoo group where I was made a Mod, and I realized that the page was all wrong.

The reason? A thing called Neo that hundreds of thousands of people are hating with a passion, but that the Yahell bots and minions are defending as if their lives depended on its promotion and success.

Let's face it, like Windows8 (from A to Z, Microthingy boys), like Windows7's so-called impossibility to disable auto-arrange in Explorer (there's a crack for that, guys - just like one was made for 8 when it came out, because people who work on their computers, you know, the ones who don't just play games on them, need to have the possibility to re-arrange the icons in a way that suits them), like Google stopping to allow us to personalize the welcome page of their search engine, like............ Like sooooo many things, this is a failure.

A FAILURE (apparently, working for companies like that make you a bit deaf. Emphasis is badly needed).

Neo is unpractical, and the hours of personalization that went into our groups are down the drain - all that for teenagers who are fans of FaceBook or adults who are IT incompetent and just go: 'Oh, Shiny!' (plus the handful of silly bunnies who work for the offenders).

Once I realized that life as I knew it on Yahoo! was over (because just like the rest of the plonkers, they'll never admit that Neo is a failure, and they'll keep it, shouting at the world that it's good and better and... Oh! Go buy yourselves a collective brain, guys!), I started growling (yea... again. Soooorry!).

I don't like changes much.

Sudden, unexpected (sorry, not reading IT magazines at breakfast) changes... *grrr* I hate that.

After a decade of fun and friendships started, thanks to Yahoo!, that hurts.

Then, I realized that under another identity, I used to have a group that's dead, and that I thought should be put to rest.

That was how I wasted most of my Tuesday.

I tried to log in through two different browsers. Nada.

I tried to retrieve my ID (though I had it, because I archive important e-mails like passwords and IDs and changes to an account). Nothing.

I tried to get help with my password. Zilch.

After hours of testing, surfing, "Googling" (yea, I'm that stubborn), I finally realized that since I hadn't logged in in months, my ID had been de-activated and recycled.

*blink*

Dear Yahoo! How about you send a lil' reminder before doing that, um? I was silent, but I wanted to keep that ID. Ta. Muchly.

And then, a brand new circus started.

I managed (that was a bloody miracle, yea!) to find a way to send an e-mail to Customer Care.

First, let's be honest, I got a thorough answer describing what I needed to do. I was amazed and pleased.

Hold it right there, Diego!

Step 1: create a new ID... and to do that you MUST give a mobile phone number. Yep! You read that well, it's not an option. You don't have a mobile phone, you  CANNOT register (I tried giving my landline number, but Yahell saw through my trick).

So... I contacted the help site again, stating very clearly that I don't own a mobile phone, and 'Could you tell me what to do, please?'.

Answer: You need to give a mobile phone number for reason yadda, yadda, and yadda.

Me: Yep, but not the answer to my question. I don't own a mobile phone, and 'Could you tell me what to do, please?'.

Answer 2: Oh, sorry! You need to give a mobile phone number for reason yadda, yadda, and yadda. (No kidding! It'd be funny if it weren't so sad - I was this close to asking them if English was their native language!)

Me: Erm. Still don't have a mobile phone. Help (or may I go frell myself slowly in a different dimension)?

Last answer: Without a mobile phone, you can't register.

Okay. 
Thanks, guys, I'll go frell myself, but that's awful, unrealistic marketing.

What's that mobile phone thingy? Working for the NSA, intending to sell the lists in a few months when you've changed the ToS, discriminating people allergic to mobile phones or too poor to afford one?

I don't care what the answer is... but I do wonder if that's entirely legal where I'm currently parked, and I'm going to phone some government agency because I don't like being bullied... all the more since there is a way around.

Instead of creating a new account, I logged in with a Gmail address (it works with FaceBook, too, but the security issues are bigger there). I migrated the ownership of the group to my new ID and deleted the group I wanted to delete since the small hours of Tuesday very morning.

Then, I changed my Yahoo! password and deleted the account.

Voilà !

There was a way around, but the latest people who answered me didn't want to share it with me (it'd be way too scary if they don't know that way to connect without surrendering a mobile phone number!).

In a month, Yahoo! has managed to anger and disappoint a lot of people.

As I already tweeted:

- Whatever happened to 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it.'

- 'Too big to fail' is no longer true.

So... Who else is disappointed in "upgrades" that are bad?

Come and growl with me...

Dru Stubborn de Lanor, proud to have managed to do what she wanted to do without much help from Yahoo!

PS: worth a Plonker Award, ne?

Badvert Aplenty (International Edition)

Of course, I'm not in the business of making commercials or creating advertisements.

Nope. I'm not.

But... I'm the one in charge of shopping, and I'm the one in charge of the house and all the choices made for the house, and when I see stuff like this, well... I may overanalyse, but I gag:

Two companies, three commercials ->

First, a bank that wants to promote its international service for students:

Well, sorry, but what I see is a bloke stupid enough to go to the other side of the world without bothering to learn the few words that he's going to need in his everyday life (yea, I know, there are people like that, but non-preparation shouldn't be encouraged).
Then, there's the employee: she doesn't speak English, and when an obviously lost foreign student types the wrong words in his phone through a faulty translation programme, the one thing she thinks of is 'Oh, my God! Bank robbery!'.
On the YouTube page, it seems that the commenters find:
a - the bloke cute (I don't care one bit)
b - the commercial very funny

In my book, this is badvert because the student is made to look like a perfect idiot and the Chinese employee is shown as racist and stupid, which in turn, is deeply sexist - and racist.
Basically, hello cliché!

Then, a series of commercials from a company that sells sanitary protection.
With those, I give you two alleged boyfriends who are praising their girlfriends:
Bloke #1:

So, he likes his nutty girlfriend even though she's got a massive collection of bats in the attic. Awww! *gags*

Bloke #2:

I don't know if he could be more patronizing: 'She's my girlfriend - but I don't mean that I own her.'. Of course not, plonker! She's not your slave. *gags again*

What profoundly bugs me is that people were paid (paid!!!) to make this crap.
If either bloke were my boyfriend, I'd punch him and dump him in five seconds.

So, okay, we're spared the blue liquid that shows how efficient a sanitary thingy is supposed to be - because women bleed blue curaçao once a month, but that kind of sexist stupidity would make me dump a brand at the speed of light.
Now, we get sexist boys promoting sanitary protection. Why? Because boys are buying their girlfriends' sanitary protection? Because they're the ones shopping (yea, we've got decent, shopping blokes out there - but how many?)? Because it's too darn difficult for lil' gals to choose a sanitary protection brand, so they've got to be told by a man?
Bloody hell, I could smack someone! (Merlin be praised, the comments on those are mostly on my side, which is somewhat reassuring.)

*shakes head, growls a bit & beams out*

Stupidity Makes You Blind

In the aftermath of Amendment One in North Carolina (don't sheeple understand that Civil Rights must not be left to the vote? Erm... purely rhetorical because they're sheeple and aren't equipped to understand anyway), I found a very interesting photo.

It completely illustrate the utter, irremediable (and sad) stupidity of the common bigot.

When I saw this:

the only thing I thought was: 'Oh, cool! Pastor Pearsall is encouraging threesomes.'

If I'm not mistaken, these "people" think that their God is real, and so, this declaration, made directly by the pastor or one of his sheeple, means that true marriage is a threesome. 

I'm being unfair, I know.

I know that they wanted to add a religious dimension to their belief that a "true marriage" can only be between a man and a woman, but even "under God" would sound like cheap porn.

I know that they wanted to use BIG letters (do their flock have difficulties reading? That might explain a few things, too), and thus got limited in a number of letters they could use (like a tweet on a board), but grammar is definitely not really on their side here.

Sorry, guys! I could help with the text, being a writer and an editor, but... *snorts* No way in hell (pun intended).

Oh. Wait.

I'm being uncharitable.

So, from the bottom of my warm lil' heart, I'm giving you (gratis, for free, no kidding):

TRUE MARRIAGE = 

TWO CONSENTING ADULTS

Full stop!

PS: now, go help some people in need, quit being so judgemental, join the 21st century, and don't be adult bullies. Ta! Muchly.

Marketing's Weird Sometimes

I shudder to imagine how much this commercial cost all in all.

If this were my company, I wouldn't be a happy bunny. Not because of the charming young woman presenting the product but because of the choice of background music!

Do people in marketing and publicists think that the public (the people who do buy the products) never listen to the lyrics of the songs they use? Apparently the answer is yes. One big fat YES.

And you know what? They may have a point. Perhaps most sheeple don't pay attention.

I've seen a few pages advertising the accompanying music as Mika's Happy Ending. Yes. Yes it is. But I think whoever cooked this commercial stopped at the title and didn't scratch any deeper.

Now, let's have a look at the chorus, shall we?

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

I may be the odd bunny who bothers the marketing polls and figures, but when I saw this commercial for the first time, well, the background music reminded me that this company is on the list of the people who test their products on animals. Oops.

Yes, the tune is catchy, but so is Don't Worry, Be Happy. They may have deleted the "No Happy Ending" part from their version of the song, but I can still hear it...

Poor Marketing

I find the new VisitBritain campaign with its "[Something] is Great Britain" very, very good.

However, the international campaign is more so-so.

If the German version works a bit (same grammatical pattern):

The French version is utterly disappointing:

I understand that someone must have wanted to centre the campaign on Great Britain, but since not everybody in these countries necessarily knows the translation for "Great Britain" in their native languages (not everybody learns English - though it's the current global communication language), then the obsession with the Great Britain part of the ad is odd (at best).

It really looks as if they didn't want to pay someone to find slogans that would work in the different countries that were being targeted.

I’m sure a good ad wizard could come up with good slogans in foreign languages.

Let’s take the German one:

Natur

ist

Großbritannien

It could work.

Let’s give it a try with the French one:

GRANDE

CULTURE

GRANDE

BRETAGNE

I can’t make up my mind and say if the international campaign is plain badvert or just poorvert.

I’m afraid I’ll lean towards badvert after mentioning that this seems linked to “Cool Britannia”.

Who’s the weird… person who came up with that silly, 1p pun? [I do know who did – I do my research, but there was no reason to spread it and keep it]

The international campaign looks like a cheap and hasty recycling of a decent campaign.

Spelling dedication, or…

Travelling can be so much fun.

I’ll ignore the episode of the selfish gal who’d pulled the window blind down on the train, thus stealing the view for three rows, including, of course, mine (all right, she was sleeping when I arrived, and I let her sleep quietly, but the moment she woke up, the blind went up, up, up).

No… the real fun this time happened when I reached town and took the tube to head home (and, no, the fun wasn’t me manoeuvring suitcase, cat in his cat-bag and my giant handbag-cum-laptop on the stairs!).

I noticed a badvert (my camera was under my laptop, so no photo, sorry!).

Imagine a black background and the photo of a cute blond gal. The ad is for a “TownSingles.com” kind of company, and the text is something like: ‘Guess where I met my neighbour’ (Sorry, I didn’t take a photo or take down notes – no free hand, and a driver eager to reach hell quickly; you know what it’s like).

The ad in itself is just poor, but what’s interesting is that at the first stop I noticed the ad for the first time… because someone had added: ‘Ads make you stupid’ and ‘I met my neighbour when I went to knock on his door. You silly blonde!’

People write on ads. Nothing to write home about a blog entry on the topic… except that the ad is in all the stations on the two-thirds of the line I did travel, sometimes on both tube platforms, and the same person wrote the same text on all of them! If you stop to consider that sometimes one has to wait the next train for five minutes (and it’s simply impossible to write such a long text while travelling on the same train because the stops are way too short), that’s dedication against badvert, or too much time to kill and nothing better to do, or… sheer obsession on the verge of barminess.

Update, four days later:

Oh… since there was a mini-storm in town, I took the tube again. Another line… and guess what?

Yup! Same ad, same addition to the ad (and same handwriting!). I think we can scratch dedication and get in touch with Bethlem Royal Hospital right now…

What were they thinking?

I get The Irish Times in my inbox every morning, and a few days ago, I found this ad:

The page is there:

http://readeroffers.irishtimes.com/i-aa-gr092-gdb-3/Comfy-Toes-Socks-x-2/

Here's a screencap, for good measure:

What were they smoking thinking? I'd probably be more convinced if they said the socks are to bring out your inner polar bear... but that's me and my odd sense of humour.

My feet will stick to Japanese socks. Thank you.